Thoughts

So.... here we are again, I don't even know why I have this thing... I haven't posted in months, I don't have regular status. Hell I don't even say anything profound or meaningful so why even keep this.... I still don't know. Been having a real shitty last couple months. I got a really good position at the guard company I got employed by. Really good life almost 800 every two weeks good.... then had it taken away from me. Why, well because the person in charge of the contract with my company "didn't Like me" and wanted a new guard.... That was in April... its now June and I still haven't found anymore work....  I don't know if I said it here but for the longest time I was depressed and eventually suicidal.. and not this bullshit tween "My life sucks I just wanna die" crap. I mean literally put the gun in my mouth suicidal. I got help and to my delight and surprise I got better. Then I truly fell in love and for the first time had that love returned back to me in kind, I lost a shit ton of weight and my life felt like it was finally starting to turn around... That was two years ago... and were have I gone? What have I done with these two years.... well I feel like I've done allot. The reality... I haven't done a god damn thing. I still live with my dad, I'm still jobless, and to top it all off I still haven't physically met the woman I love.... Oh yeah and the thoughts... those dark angry painful thoughts that I had beaten for at least five years.... their back.... and back in spades... So why am I typing this... Why am I sitting in an empty house alone typing on a laptop desk I mean fuck if my life is as bad as it feels I should just end it now right? Well While I want.... really do want to just end it all I know I cant.... that I shouldn't... that it wouldn't solve anything.... So i type... I listen to sad music and I type, soon Ill walk to my friends house maybe have a smoke maybe not and try with everything I have to lock these thoughts back up..... I don't have any answers... just a fuck load of questions but... while I'm still around... I might as well type. As always I'm the well known Nobody and these have been my admittedly darker thoughts.